Elvis Costello

Hetty said, “If you ask me nicely
I’ll write you up well, don’t tell me twice
Or quote you directly or you’ll pay the price
I’ll peel off your skin like a thin veneer
If someone tells me something that I didn’t hear
from you”

Those were different days
Those were different drugs
From a gold-plated palace with the half-mast flags
To a chalk-lined body that was full of slugs
She was trading favours for footnote plugs

Who’s got the needle
Who is fit to burst
A morphine tattoo an unquenchable thirst
Who’s got your girlfriend?
And who had her first?
Reading her column was essential
Hetty O’Hara Confidential

She could kill a man with a single stroke
She is not the one you want to provoke
If you can’t take the heat or you can’t take a joke
Who’s got the dope?
Who’s got the potential?
Hetty O’Hara Confidential

If there was a gentleman caller to a comely wench
And a snooping peeper in a coat of trench
She’d place a line or two at the foot of the page
A cue or a clue to the latest rage
With your true dimensions and your actual age
Trade a life of scandal for a career on the stage
These little things seem inconsequential
Except to Hetty O’Hara Confidential

On the night he came home from the debutante ball
Passed out drunk on the bathroom floor
Call-girl called after taking a peek
At the secret drawer of atomic secrets
Repeating something that I whispered about
They have to take it but they can’t dish it out

Who’s cleaning up his act and breaking the bank
But unfortunately didn’t remember to thank me
But now the rumour is doing the rounds
That his only friends are villains and scoundrels

Her reputation curled like yellow smoke
She named the wrong man in the story she broke
She had an unfortunate character trait
The irresistible impulse to assassinate
But the damage it did was quite substantial
To Hetty O’Hara Confidential

They’ve got witch trials now with witches to spare `
And a jukebox jury full of judgement and fury
With bright neon dresses and porn star hair

She was thrown to the wolves or the dogs or the
foxes
Once they’d had their fill of shares and stocks
Their gaze is unforgiving if your morals are lax
Pointing manicured fingers and making a mockery
With voices that sound like broken crockery
Hetty said, “I’m powerless and I feel alone.
Now everyone has a megaphone”

Who’s got the dope?
Who’s got the potential?
Hetty O’Hara Confidential